he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
