Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
