And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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