apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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