Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
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Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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