My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
