i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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