Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
