When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
