I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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