Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
