I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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