i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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