her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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