"it" just moved
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
