I heard we made out
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I love you. Go after that dick
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
