Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
