I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
