I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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