i will never coherently bang her
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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