Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
