guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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