My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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