Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
