At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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