I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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