at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
