people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
