Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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