Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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