someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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