He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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