saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
