tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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