There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
