just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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