i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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