Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
