i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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