please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
