He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
