I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I stole a fireplace last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
