she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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