the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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