im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
