Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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