WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
