There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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