Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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