I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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