Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
