I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
