Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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